For this post, I want to talk about failure. It is important for me to discuss this because it is something that I have succumbed to, something I face each day, and what I fear most of all. Quite a bit of time has passed since my last blog post. Unfortunately, I found myself slipping from my normal routine. A few too many cheat meals and days off from the gym had propelled a downward spiral that I have been all too familiar with.  I began to feel discouraged, embarrassed, and ashamed. How could I still keep up this success-story façade when inside I feel like a failure?

This fear of failure is paralyzing.  This fear is what aided in piling the weight on initially, what kept me from losing weight for years, and what has been stalling my progress recently. I have been stuck between 201-203 lbs. for the last two months. Why? Because, while I have considered myself to have been successful so far, I am still afraid of disappointment.  What if I finally break out of this plateau and into “ONEderland” only to fluctuate back over that threshold again? All along, my goal has been to reach a weight within “ONEderland”. I am so close I can taste  the victory! But the fear of disappointing myself has stalled further progress.

I began playing a game with myself. I wasn’t severely disappointed with myself because while I did not lose any weight, I also had not gained anything. So I’m still a winner, right? Wrong. I haven’t felt an ounce of pride in my lack of motivation lately. It is time to finally face the truth: I haven’t reached a plateau; I have gotten comfortable. I had to finally face the cold hard reality: while I should be proud of my progress, I still have a lot of work to do! I am not happy with where I am now. I know that I can do more, dedicate more time, and be more disciplined. This rut has gone on for long enough.

It is curious how, in our darkest moments, perfect strangers can sometimes make the biggest difference (most of which without them having any knowledge of it).  They are who I have to thank for my recent wake-up call. I was in vacation in Florida visiting my grandmother early this month. My Grandma is like most others: excited at any opportunity to brag about her grandchildren. While visiting, my grandma must have shown my “progress” photos to at least a dozen of her friends. All of them were quick to congratulate me, but one in particular was invested in my story. She seemed astounded at first and said “I have never met anyone who has actually made their dreams come true like this. Aren’t you proud of yourself?” That moment broke me. It took every ounce of my strength to hold back tears. For the first time in a while I was true to myself and answered honestly. I admitted that I was not proud. I had felt pride for the perseverance and discipline when I was truly committed but recently I felt like I was drowning. That moment was the first turning point for me. I finally recognized that I was disappointing myself and had lost track of my priorities.

One last factor contributed to the end of my mid-journey crisis. This push came from home. While I was on vacation, my fiancée truly committed to improving her health and self-confidence. She began calorie-counting and signed up for sessions with my personal trainer- all of which lead her to be very successful in her weight loss the last few weeks! Watching her motivation unfold is exactly what I needed to re-direct my focus. She had been tirelessly supportive throughout my weight loss journey. Watching her become fiercely dedicated to her own personal progress reminded me of the drive and perseverance that this journey requires. I am proud to have taken part in her decision to get healthy and grateful for her support and inspiration.

Any person who has experienced the transformation or struggle with weight loss refers to their process as a “journey”. For the longest time, I couldn’t really come to understand that. What’s more, I was annoyed by the term. I wasn’t able to fully comprehend the weight loss “journey” until I began to embark on it myself. I finally came to realize that it is a journey because, for people like me, it never ends. Of course there are small and large milestones throughout, but I am jogging tirelessly down a path that doesn’t have a finish line. I believe this to be one of the main reasons that I have lost sight of what is important. This realization has been monumental. The success isn’t achieved in the “end” but in the journey and progression that lead us there.

Wow, I took a dive there. Sorry for the philosophical babble, kids. Anyhow, I’m looking forward to getting back on track (with more frequent posts)! As always, thank you for reading! Stay strong friends.