I wrote a post more than six months ago about setting aggressive goals. It was then that I registered for the Biggest Loser RunWalk half-marathon. I registered because I hate running. I came to the conclusion that if I had a race I really needed to prepare for, I would force myself to run and maybe in that process I might change my mind. Months and months had passed and I still hated running- until yesterday.
Once registered for the half marathon, I felt fairly motivated. As time passed, my outlook became increasingly dismal. By spring, I had resolved that before race day I would have a reason not to run it. If there wasn’t a legitimate reason, I was going to make one up. I considered faking an injury, illness, scheduling to be out of town, you name it and I probably thought about it. I tried messaging my trainer a couple weeks back to break the news to him (notice I chose the word ‘tried’). He was not having it. After some more pushing and encouragement I begrudgingly accepted that, whether I walked or was dragged across the finish line, it would be impossible for me to miss it. After that, I threw in some outdoor runs into my regular routine; even then running became only a little more bearable.
I was then given the task of running a consistent 5 miles on Thursday (8/28) to prep for the race on Sunday. Yikes. Its honesty time now, friends. For training, I continued my regular schedule of strength training various times throughout the week and ran only sporadically. I did not run anywhere near as much as I should have to prepare for this race. Up until a week ago I had convinced myself it wasn’t happening. Yesterday after work I changed and laced up my shoes to head out the door. My stomach was in a knot, I was anxious and I wanted to give up. I close the front door behind me and saw my fiancée walking up the driveway. I immediately blurted “I don’t want to do this”. She knew this was coming, so she grabbed my hand and took me inside to talk.
In almost every other instance when I had become self-destructive or began doubting myself, I had someone reminding me of why I started. Usually I heard “ you can’t give up, look how far you’ve come…” or “I believe in you” and “I know you can do it” or any other encouraging words. That is not what I heard yesterday. Laura told me exactly what I needed to hear. She listened to my worries, held me while I cried, and then said “Erika, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You have made so much progress- no one would judge you if you decided not to go through with the race”. Then she showed me a picture of us from July 2012 (one she came across that day) and reminded me of where I came from. I looked at the picture and cried some more; 90 plus pounds gone and I am still doubting myself! She pointed at the picture and said “I think you need to prove to that girl that you can do this. This is about you- not anyone else”.
SIDE NOTE: How is it that some people say exactly what you need to hear right when you need to hear it? I am so fortunate to have those people in my life!
She couldn’t have been more right.The only reason this weight loss journey began in the first place was because I finally decided to do something for me. I strongly believe that anyone embarking on a new lifestyle or weight loss journey of this magnitude (or any) MUST be in it for themselves. If you are trying to do it for someone else your drive will dwindle. So, if that is my truth and the key to my personal success, then why was I making this event about everyone else? Why am I not doing it for me?
With a new sense of resolve, I walked out the door determined to run the 5 miles I had been challenged to do. I mapped out the course on an app prior to heading out the door. I took things slow, concentrating on the distance rather than the time. A mile in, I was feeling strong and by mile two even stronger. I decided to “off-road” my course and run around Hoyt Lake in Delaware Park. I finally broke through the barrier that I had been struggling with from day one. I remained focus on breath, felt my feet beneath me, kept my hands relaxed, eyes ahead, and my mind began to wander. I took in everything around me- smiling at people walking by, admiring the massive homes and beautiful landscape. By the time I was almost home, I realized I was less than a quarter mile away from running a distance of 6 miles. I took the long way home by running around a block to push me over the 6 mile mark. I had never felt so invigorated. The best part? I could have kept going. I felt invincible. (The mystical “runner’s high” is a real thing people!!)
I walked back in the house feeling on top of the world. I hugged my fiancee and my sister and thanked them for their encouragement. I shared my breakthrough with them and confirmed what they already knew- I am SO ready for the half marathon on Sunday. Am I still nervous? Sure. But now that I have re-directed my focus and recognized the personal nature of the event, I refuse to give up on myself. This isn’t about a time, it’s not about proving someone right or wrong, this is about going out and finishing what I started. The old Erika would start and stop, give in and give up. I’m not that girl anymore.
Wish me luck, friends! If you’re interested in checking out the end of the race before Buffalo’s chicken wing fest, the finish line is on Marine drive downtown- I’ll be jogging across between 10:30-11:00AM!
