Losing weight will change you, but it won’t cure you. In previous posts, I have described some of the best and most positive experiences in my life- all of which came during my weight loss journey; none of which would be possible without losing pounds. There is no magic pill to sustainable weight loss- AND weight loss alone isn’t a fix-it-all for depression or negative self-image. I’ve read countless blogs and articles from others who have chosen a healthier lifestyle- all of which chronicle “things that no one tells you about weight loss”. Only recently have I begun to really identify with and understand them.
2015 was supposed to be my “game time”. All of my hard work and diligence led to this- only a few pounds and less that 1% body fat away from my goal- and I was terrified. My body was finally starting to reflect my hard work- I had never felt so alive! All of this, and still I felt utterly alone. If you are familiar with depression, I need not say more. It roars its ugly bitch head when you least expect it- and it U-Hauls itself into your life, taking up all of your time and space as long as it pleases. It doesn’t matter how many friends and loved ones are around supporting and encouraging you. You are alone. I can’t explain it much further- it just consumes you.
Spring came and went- I went through the motions. I went to the gym, I ate what I wanted. My weight remained stagnant. All of this was okay, of course, because I wasn’t gaining anything. This is how I justify any sort of bad choices- “it’s okay as long as I don’t revert back to who I was”. Eating fast food for three meals and treats in between is not something I could possibly imagine doing again. So of course this is a comforting defense mechanism- I can gain 10-20 lbs, but at least I won’t gain all of the 100+ lbs that I lost. How many of us rationalize our choices in this way? I always have the need to justify these actions (especially) to myself.
Just as I began to recognize that I lost my mojo and started to work toward being more consistent, a shoulder injury forced me out of my routine. Sorry, Erika. NO COMEBACK FOR YOU! Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
*Sidenote: I also totally used this injury as an excuse. It wasn’t a deal-breaker. I used it as such for far too long*
I am a strong believer in accountability and commitment. Friends, I’m coming clean: Since April of this year, I have only attended the gym when I had a scheduled session with my trainer (2-3 times each week… when I DIDN’T cancel on him). This morning was the first day in June that I dragged my ass to the gym. I let my depression get the best of me; this then snow-balled one poor choice after another- leading to some grave and self-destructive choices. I truly didn’t believe I deserved all of the good things that were happening to me. Slowly, I began to lose sight of myself. I treated my body poorly, I isolated myself from my closest friends, family, and loved ones, and I buried my feelings.
I’m not writing this for attention nor as a confession. I know that someone could come across this blog in their own personal search to start their journey. Maybe you’re on a quest to find yourself, to lose weight and finally become the person you’ve always wanted to be. I’m writing this to share this complex self-discovery: losing pounds on the scale will not define you, it will not cure your character flaws, and it will not bring you intrinsic happiness. Those things can come along with your journey- you will learn to love yourself; but you will also have doubts. And you know what? That’s okay. It all comes with time.
I’ve heard, from many sources, that hitting rock bottom can bring you a bizarre sense of clarity. Sometimes you need to feel the cold stone beneath you to be reminded just how far you climbed in the first place. Looking up now, the climb isn’t far from the first set of hands reaching to pull me back where I belong.
I’ve had several people suggest to me to continue blogging through the process- I definitely seem to be at my best when I’m sharing my story! I’ll have a lot more to write about coming up! A new fitness routine, working through an injury, and training for various summer events will test my commitment to this lifestyle and definitely give me more to reflect on…. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
