Why NOT me?
It took me some time to decide what the “theme” of my second post would be. I went back and forth a bit, then decided to take a tip from the Sound of Music and start at the very beginning (because its a very good place to start). In this post, I’m going to shed some light on some of my darkest times when I was at my heaviest- complete with photos. This will not have any follow up of current photos, there will be plenty of other posts with those. I had to dig very deep within my self to find the confidence to post these pictures. I have looked at them day in and day out since starting this journey; they were taken on a personal level so that I could see my own progress. As I stated in my last post, I AM READY to share my story; and now that includes complete disclosure of “before” photos.
At my heaviest, I weighed 281 pounds (at a height of 5’7″). I’ve read hundreds of weight loss success stories of people that have said “I tried EVERYTHING, every diet, blah blah…then THIS worked for me”; I can tell you that I’m not THAT typical weight loss story. I didn’t try everything. I didn’t really try anythingto lose weight.Maybe a part of it was because I was in denial. I do remember attempting to convince myself and others that I had a positive body image- I was a big curvy girl and i was proud of it!
(no I wasn’t). I shopped at Lane Bryant, Torrid, and other plus-sized clothing stores and was fine with it (still lying to myself here). I looked up to celebrities like Adele who loved their big bodies and threw a big “fuck you” to anyone who told them they were being unhealthy. In this state of denial, I pretended to be comfortable with my size because I could eat whatever I wanted and I created no consequence for it.
There were a few moments or instances that happened in the last year I can point back to that acted as a catalyst for me. The first was in the summer of 2012- my fiancee and I were on vacation in Disney World in July.This trip forced me to wear tank tops and shorts virtually every day (which I hadn’t been comfortable doing in probably 5-7 years). While I was in Disney, I was exhausted, sweaty, and uncomfortable every day. I had to make pit stops to throw on extra baby powder in unmentionable areas to keep the chaffing at a minimum (It still didn’t really make a difference). The worst of it didn’t surface until we had our vacation pictures printed. Who is that girl standing in those photos? Her smile is vacant, her stance is unsure, she looks bloated, she looks so unhappy. She wasn’t me. There’s no way that could be me. I don’t look like that. No no no no no.
The second moment I remember being in the passenger side of my car. I couldn’t tell you where I was going, but I do remember wearing sneakers. My shoelace was untied and while the car was moving I bent over to re-tie it. First, It was impossible for me to reach my foot without lifting my foot off the ground while bending over. Second, I had to hold my breath while doing it because my stomach was so large that my legs were pressing into my chest so that I couldn’t breathe while bent over. It was impossible to tie my shoe while sitting in the car. I couldn’t even tie my goddamn shoe. I remember sitting back up and feeling so defeated. What have I done to myself? I
Lastly, November 2012 i visited with my Aunt before the Thanksgiving holiday. She has been my mentor, my role model, my everything for so much of my life. My aunt and I shared
everything- including our weight issues. She had been struggling with her weight all of my life- a silent but violent struggle. It was something we didn’t always talk about (though now I wish we had). She sat down with me the first moment we were alone and laid everything out on the table- she was tired of living her life the way she has and finally was resolved to do something about it. She showed me a BMI chart for our height, weight, and age groups and like her, I fell in the “morbidly obese” category. Morbidly obese. I was overwhelmed, I felt guilty, I was disgusted with myself. I remember crying with her about it. There was something so different about this moment I had with her. I remember looking in her eyes and knowing that she had made a decision that was going to alter the rest of her life. I knew she was serious about this. So why wasn’t I? Why couldn’t that be me? Why not me? Do I want to wait another 25 years, sitting out my life on the sidelines only to finally decide to change my life for the better? Seeing her resolve was exactly what I needed to believe that I could change and if we were making the changes together, I wouldn’t be alone. Two weeks later, I joined Best Fitness and began personal training. I was on my way to changing the rest of my life.
The day of my first training session at Best Fitness, the idea came about to have some “before” pictures. My fiancee thought it could be a therapeutic experience for us- a great way to look back once we have made some progress. These pictures, again, were not originally meant for others to see. I made the decision to have my body exposed in the photos so that I had nowhere to hide- I could look at these and hold myself accountable for the havoc I imposed on my body. As difficult as it had been take responsibility and look at these photos in the beginning, I am so thankful that they were taken. I have taken subsequent photos wearing the same clothing; for every 20 pounds i lose, the same set of photos are taken. I will post those photos also.
It took a lot of courage to post these “before” photos. These were taken 12/2012 at my heaviest, 281 pounds.
Later on, I will post more “progress” photos to compare to these before photos posted above. I am not including progress photos in this post because this post is not about progress. It’s about where it all began. I have plenty of time to be writing about progress… and a lot to write about! As difficult as it is to be exposed in this way, I hope that these words and photos can be a helping hand to someone; whether its to get started or to continue weight loss progress, to be inspired to help yourself or a friend/family member. The realization or catalyst moment may be a something small like it was for me or it could be a severe medical diagnosis. I am lucky it didn’t take the latter for me to want to change my life. You can need to change your lifestyle or weight but until you want it more than anything it isn’t going to happen! The first step is accepting that YOU are good enough. You are worth it.
